Recommendations #10: Leaning out, Modern Love, and why you never see your friends anymore
READING
Novel: My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite
What is it: A surprisingly lighthearted novel about a woman whose sister has a habit of killing her boyfriends.
What’s central to the plot is the relationship between the sisters, which is strained by their differences, but oddly supported by their involvement in a string of murders.
Thoughts: This was an easy, enjoyable and refreshing read. Despite what you might guess from the synopsis, the book isn’t a murder mystery - it’s actually described as a satire. While this didn’t really come through for me, there is an offhand casualness to the writing that makes for an unexpectedly amusing read.
I especially recommend this book to someone looking to get back into reading. The chapters are very short (usually only one to two pages) and the language isn’t overly descriptive, setting a quick pace for the story.
3.75/5
Article: Enough leaning in. Let’s tell men to lean out. (The New York Times)
What is it: An opinion piece by writer Ruth Whippman about how the girlboss/assertiveness movement has taken a male-defined value system and sold it back to women as feminism.
Thoughts: Ruth Whippman isn’t the first person to propose this point of view, but she articulates it very well. What she argues is that women shouldn’t change their workplace behaviour to the standard of men, but rather, men should change their workplace behaviour to the standard of women. For example, rather than telling women to stop apologising so much (despite this being something we teach children to be an honourable, important life skill), maybe men should start apologising more.
By telling women to adopt qualities associated with men – such as being assertive instead of deferent – we are implying this former trait is more valuable. As Whippman explains, this line of thinking itself is the product of a ubiquitous and corrosive gender hierarchy.
Edited excerpt:
‘As a rule, anything associated with girls or women — from the color pink to domestic labor — is by definition assigned a lower cultural value than things associated with boys or men. Fashion, for instance, is vain and shallow, while baseball is basically a branch of philosophy. Tax dollars are poured into encouraging girls to take up STEM subjects, but no one seems to care much whether boys become nurses. Girls are routinely given pep talks to be “anything a boy can be,” a glorious promotion from their current state, whereas to encourage a boy to behave more like a girl is to inflict an emasculating demotion. Female hobbies, careers, possessions and behaviors are generally dismissed as frivolous, trivial, niche or low status — certainly nothing to which any self-respecting boy or man might ever aspire.
“Women: Improve yourselves!” has always been a baseline instruction of both the world at large and the self-help movement. Take the whole “Women Who …” subgenre, a surprisingly large range of books whose titles start with the words “Women Who …” and end with a character flaw that then blames us for our own failure to be happy or successful. “Women Who Love Too Much,” “Women Who Think Too Much,” “Women Who Worry Too Much,” “Women Who Do Too Much.”
Rarely do we stop to consider that many of life’s problems might be better explained by the alternative titles “Men Who Love Too Little,” “ … Think Too Little,” “ … Worry Too Little” or “ … Do Too Little.” But instead we assume without question that whatever men are doing or thinking is what we all should be aiming for.
Now the assertiveness movement is taking this same depressingly stacked ranking system and selling it back to us as feminism. We in turn barely question whether the male standard really is the more socially desirable or morally sound set of behaviors or consider whether women might actually have had it right all along…
…In the workplace, probably unsurprisingly to many women who are routinely talked over, patronized or ignored by male colleagues, research shows that rather than women being underconfident, men tend to be overconfident in relation to their actual abilities. Women generally aren’t failing to speak up; the problem is that men are refusing to pipe down…
…Until female norms and standards are seen as every bit as valuable and aspirational as those of men, we will never achieve equality. Promoting qualities such as deference, humility, cooperation and listening skills will benefit not only women but also businesses, politics and even men themselves, freeing them from the constant and exhausting expectation to perform a grandstanding masculinity, even when they feel insecure or unsure.
So H.R. managers and self-help authors, slogan writers and TED Talk talkers: Use your platforms and your cultural capital to ask that men be the ones to do the self-improvement for once. Stand up for deference. Write the book that teaches men to sit back and listen and yield to others’ judgment. Code the app that shows them where to put the apologies in their emails. Teach them how to assess their own abilities realistically and modestly. Tell them to “lean out,” reflect and consider the needs of others rather than assertively restating their own. Sell the female standard as the norm.
Advice column: ‘I can’t do casual’ (The Cut)
What is it: Great advice/writing from Heather Havrilesky (aka Ask Polly – The Cut’s advice columnist). Heather doesn’t hold back from displaying passionate empathy in this column, which is written in response to a woman who’s frustrated by searching for a committed, exclusive relationship.
Excerpt:
How the fuck did we land in this world where all of the chickenshits get to have their cake and eat it, too, and all of the brave and the open-hearted have to shut up and grab ankle? Now I’m angry on your behalf. What is wrong with our broken culture, with our broken universe, that deeply flinchy, jittery, escapist beasts are somehow viewed as the fittest survivors, able to roam free and state their demands? Meanwhile, those strong and courageous enough to believe in love and show their hearts are punished repeatedly?
I’m not saying that there aren’t many, many weak animals out there who hide in love and demand loyalty before it’s warranted and punish those who just want to experiment and live a free-range life. I’m not saying that needy, moody, pushy, punitive, confused individuals aren’t out there giving commitment a bad name. And I’m also not saying that there aren’t brave, idealistic, free-ranging animals out there who’ve interrogated their beliefs and concluded that our culture’s headlong rush toward lifelong commitment is unhealthy and unrealistic and often ends in disappointment, divorce, and even financial ruin.
But love — like art, like having children, like taking big risks, like breathing in the air and believing in this day on this late date in the Earth’s history — is irrational. Deeply irrational. That’s part of what’s so great about it. Falling in love is like nothing else under the sun. Abandoning yourself and also believing in yourself enough to stay present in the face of potential abandonment, showing your full self and also trying to look a teensy bit more whole than maybe you feel inside? It’s so good. And that’s not to mention the fear, the raw fear of love, the deep fear that you are unlovable, the fear that builds suspense, the fear that makes your skin tingle. It’s the best thing. And when you preemptively proclaim that everything is casual, always, no matter what, no matter where the road turns, no matter how the weather changes, no matter how you suddenly find yourself entranced, enchanted, short of breath, on fire? That’s like waking up in the morning and putting a blindfold over your eyes. That’s like ripping the last chapter out of a book before you start reading it. That’s like sealing yourself in plastic and burying yourself underground just so you won’t feel something unexpected, something that makes you excited or enraged or sad or vulnerable.
Article: Why you never see your friends anymore (The Atlantic)
What is it: An article about the increasing casualisation of the American workforce, and how this is impacting workers’ relationships with friends and family.
Thoughts: As a millennial living in the western world, I know I have a pretty great quality of life. That being said, our generation is facing some challenges that weren’t shared by those who came before us in terms of financial stability. Not only are we increasingly priced out of buying property (which is an especially important asset to have in retirement), we’re also working in a progressively casualised workforce.
In Australia, 25 per cent of the country’s labour force are now casual workers – up from 13 per cent in 1980. This means a quarter of our working population don’t have a set roster they can organise their social lives around, and they also have no paid leave entitlements.
As this article points out, this issue isn’t just exclusive to millennials. Those working in senior positions (who are likely to be of an older generation) are also working longer hours than decades past, making the once traditional ‘9-5’ workday a thing of the past.
This article talks about how the causalised workforce is impacting Americans ability to have healthy social lives and meaningful family time that is organised in advance.
Edited excerpt:
Whereas we once shared the same temporal rhythms—five days on, two days off, federal holidays, thank-God-it’s-Fridays—our weeks are now shaped by the unpredictable dictates of our employers. Nearly a fifth of Americans hold jobs with nonstandard or variable hours. They may work seasonally, on rotating shifts, or in the gig economy driving for Uber or delivering for Postmates. Meanwhile, more people on the upper end of the pay scale are working long hours. Combine the people who have unpredictable workweeks with those who have prolonged ones, and you get a good third of the American labor force…
…When so many people have long or unreliable work hours, or worse, long and unreliable work hours, the effects ripple far and wide. Families pay the steepest price. Erratic hours can push parents—usually mothers—out of the labor force. A body of research suggests that children whose parents work odd or long hours are more likely to evince behavioral or cognitive problems, or be obese. Even parents who can afford nannies or extended day care are hard-pressed to provide thoughtful attention to their kids when work keeps them at their desks well past the dinner hour.
LISTENING
Podcast: Lie, Cheat & Steal
This podcast is for people like me who have a constant need for scammer content.
The show’s most recently released episodes are about the (debatable) scam that was Caroline Calloway’s internet famous creative workshops. Listen for hilariously insightful takes by hosts Pat Sirois and Kath Barbadaro.
Side note: I tweeted about this recently, but why isn’t there more podcast content about cancer scammer Belle Gibson? That woman’s story is crying out for a 10-part series.
WATCHING
TV: Modern Love (Amazon Prime)
This new show features eight standalone episodes, each detailing a different love story originally told in The New York Times’ Modern Love column. (You can find all the columns the show is based on here).
I have been so excited to watch this, and so far (I’ve watched five episodes) I’ve not been disappointed. I’ve read some reviews saying it’s too corny and sickly sweet, but I happen to love that about it. The casting is excellent, the stories are beautiful, and it’s wonderfully executed.
The standout episodes for me are When Cupid is a Prying Journalist (featuring the real-life love story of the CEO of Hinge), and Take Me As I Am, Whoever I Am (with Anne Hathaway’s portrayal of a woman with bipolar).
TV: Fleabag, season two
You probably don’t need someone else to tell you this, but season two of Fleabag is very good.
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