Recommendations #9: Expectation, ‘authentic’ Instagram posts, Chanel Miller, and lessons on marriage
READING
Book: Expectation by Anna Hope
What is it: A novel about the lives of three female friends. The plot covers how these women came to be friends, and their lives now as mid-30 somethings in the various stages of their careers, relationships and parenting. The novel jumps between several years and each woman’s perspective to tell the story.
Thoughts: Just as you wouldn’t keep watching a television show you don’t like from the first few episodes, I believe you shouldn’t persist with a book you’re not enjoying just for the sake of finishing it.
Despite always saying this, I found myself struggling through a couple of books this past month, and looking back, I just see it as such a huge waste of time. (*Whispers* I don’t think Trick Mirror is very good.) Expectation, however, is a book I’ve nearly finished in just a couple of days and I’ve been engaged by it the entire time.
This is a fairly sad read, as it’s about three women who aren’t satisfied with their lives and have also grown apart as friends. That being said, it’s quite realistic as to the complexity of long-term friendships and romantic relationships. I’ve really enjoyed reading it.
Article: When you want kids, but your partner doesn’t (Man Repeller)
What is it: An article about women who have different wishes to their partner about having children.
Thoughts: I’ve been thinking a bit lately about what people consider the ‘right’ time to discuss whether or not they want to have children. Too early in a relationship can come off ‘desperate’ or ‘psycho’ – but is it? For those who definitively know whether or not they want children one day, isn’t it better everyone knows this information upfront as to not waste anyone’s time?
I’ve always really liked the plot in Friends where Monica and Richard break up because she wanted children and he didn’t. They loved each other, but they made the appropriate decision to break up before investing in a doomed relationship or one where a partner becomes resentful.
This article talks to a dating coach for their advice and women who have broached this difficult conversation.
Edited excerpt:
Monica Parikh, Founder of School of Love NYC and expert dating coach, believes in having this conversation during what she calls “the negotiation phase” of a relationship. This phase takes place about nine months in, after three months of chemical attraction followed by three months of “realizing character defects.” The negotiation phase is “where you figure out if you’re going to be in a long-term partnership.”
…The notion that “we’ll figure it out later” is a dangerous one, according to Parikh. There are so many variables that go into making a marriage work and big issues (which include topics like finance sharing, division of labor and sexual expectations) should be addressed early and clearly. Putting off these kinds of conversations to avoid fights or friction causes trouble later on. “You’re either going to have to figure out if your partner can meet your needs, or if you need to get them met somewhere else. You have to really communicate to ensure an alignment of fundamental values.”
Let’s say you’re very much in love with your partner and on a path towards a lifetime commitment. You have had the conversation about kids and it becomes clear that one person wants them and the other does not. Is that a reason to end it? “I think so,” said Parikh. “People who don’t end it have a very romantic and idyllic view of marriage that’s not grounded in reality. Eventually, anger will come out, or resentment. So many pragmatic details have to be right for marriage to succeed. If more people ironed these out sooner, perhaps divorce rates would be lower.”
Article: The rise of the “getting real” post on Instagram (The New Yorker)
What is it: A piece that examines the rise of ‘real’ and ‘authentic’ Instagram posts that garner the most engagement in 2019.
Thoughts: I had a thought this week, and that is how my mum (or probably anyone in their 50s), has not spent a second of their life thinking how they can be more ‘authentic.’ Rather, this is a modern conundrum only discussed by social media users who, by nature of the platform, aren’t all that authentic – and that’s okay.
The fact is, social media will always show a curated version of a person. Even if someone were to live stream their entire life (please don’t), simply electing to do this would indicate an underlying motive to gain recognition or similar.
If you wouldn’t share it with a stranger on the street, you probably don’t need to broadcast it online. Instead, let’s strive for some sort of middle ground between the contrived Instagram photos of a few years ago, and the ‘vulnerable’ content that gains the most engagement today.
This short piece by writer Carrie Battan talks about the contradictions of ‘real’ posts.
Edited excerpt:
“Getting real” posts vary widely in their substance, but their tone is meant to signal a moment of catharsis. I have been living a lie, the Instagrammers explain, as if their followers had been naive enough to take prior posts at face value. At their best, these posts offer moments of relief to the follower—not to mention a voyeuristic jolt. But there is plenty of deception, if not delusion, in them, too. Most of them sidestep the inconvenient fact that distress is an occupational hazard of life online. Although Instagram has been well documented as one of the most demoralizing places on the Internet, it’s easier to post about insecurity and isolation as if they flowed solely from external factors, rather than from the powerful, consuming platform by which many of these people make their livelihood. Indeed, at their worst, such posts pull the same trick as aspirational content: they leverage insecurity for profit. Instagram is still an ad-driven marketplace, and influencers, after posting a “getting real” moment, will often follow up by thanking fans for their support and commiseration—or announce a new brand partnership.
Book extract: Chanel Miller on what happened after her victim statement went viral (Buzzfeed News)
What is it: An extract adapted from Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller. Miller is the writer and artist who was raped by Brock Turner. Turner, who was witnessed raping Miller by two people, was convicted of sexual assault and served a disgustingly short jail stint of only three months.
Chanel Miller’s writing is incredibly powerful. After years of being referred to as ‘Emily Doe’, Miller publicly revealed herself as Brock Turner’s victim just a few weeks ago. In this extract she recounts the time her anonymous victim statement was published and went viral. It has now been read by over 18 million people on Buzzfeed alone.
(This article has also been released in audio form, which is linked at the bottom of the article.)
Excerpt:
It was common to have people forward me the statement saying, You have to read this. I wanted to respond, I wrote it. Once a friend said, I heard it’s someone we know. I froze, searching her face to see if she was testing me, but there was nothing. I feigned indifference, shrugged, I haven’t heard anything. When my sister met a guy in her neighborhood with a dog named Broccoli, the owner explained, Well at first his name was Brock, but have you heard of the Brock Turner stuff? My sister nodded. It hurt my dog’s brand, so I changed it. I found a new therapist in San Francisco, but it took me months and multiple sessions before I told her I was Emily Doe. All I said was that I’d been sexually assaulted, and in response she said, Have you read the Stanford victim statement? She’d recommended me my own story, said something about thoughtfulness and power, turning the tables. I nodded, and moved on to another topic. I wanted to be known as Chanel, in all my fumblings, my confusion, managing everyday life, before being seen as Emily, who was defiant and courageous, who seemed to have all the answers.
Article: The 12-week pregnancy rule makes the pain of miscarriage worse (The Guardian)
What is it: An opinion piece about the current ‘rule’ that pregnant couples should only announce this after 12 weeks. The article is written by Katy Lindemann who’s currently writing a book sharing real women’s stories about infertility and pregnancy loss.
Thoughts: It is of course every woman’s choice when to reveal they are pregnant. Personally though, I’ve always found the ‘12 week rule’ to be confusing and hurtful to those who experience an early miscarriage. (Hiding pregnancy is also often logistically difficult to due morning sickness or having to pretend to drink at social occasions.)
Women who miscarry early (something that happens in one in four pregnancies in Australia) shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.
Excerpt:
We’re often told that miscarriages are no big deal because they’re really common; so is divorce, but you don’t often hear anyone say, “Sorry your husband left you – but it’s really common, and you can always get married again.” Yet for something so common, it can feel so incredibly lonely, precisely because the 12-week rule perpetuates the notion that early pregnancy loss is something to hide and we shouldn’t make a fuss.
Article: 7 divorced women on what to consider before you get married (Man Repeller)
What is it: A roundup of comments by women who have been married and later divorced. These women share what they wish they thought about before getting married, how their relationships changed, and advice for those currently considering marriage.
Thoughts: I couldn’t help but including a second Man Repeller link this week. While this article includes only a small group of opinions, it contains some really great insights into marriage.
LISTENING
Podcast: The Dream – bonus episodes
The Dream podcast has released bonus episodes following their original 11-episode series on multi-level marketing (MLM).
My favourite so far is episode Bonus 1: Overpriced and Underwhelmed about what happened when the MLM leggings business, LulaRoe, started operating like a normal company.
These are tightly edited, 20 minute episodes that offer a great insight into the behind the scenes doings of the dangerous, predatory businesses that are MLMs.
WATCHING
TV: Breaking The Model (SBS)
It won’t surprise many to learn the modelling industry is absolutely rife with issues.
This 30-minute Australian documentary delves into this subject and is led by former model Jenna Owen.
One major point to come out of this documentary is how modelling agencies are skirting child employment laws by calling models ‘independent contractors’ who aren’t offered the same legal protections as employees.
Owen has also written an article about the documentary for The Sydney Morning Herald, an extract of which is below.
Excerpt:
In 2019, the fashion industry is deeply excited to tell you just how much has changed for women in modelling. Big-time modelling agencies are proud of how diverse their books are, because in 2019 white women with shaved heads, white women with freckles, and some women of different but specific ethnicities are welcomed by fashion. Many of these big-time agencies even represent four out of 60 models that are size 12-16.
What these agencies are less likely to talk about is what every one of the models I spoke to also reported: how unprotected models are in their workplace and how deeply concerning that is, because when you are a model you understand one very clear thing about the modelling industry – that it is made up largely of children.
The ideal age to start modelling is 15. If you sign with a major agency at this age you will start on their model books in a section called "In Development", which is as close as modelling will get to admitting you are a child. In this time, you will still go to shoots, castings and catwalks, but you are rarely paid because you are not yet "developed" enough. You are also not protected by child safety laws in this country.
This is because agencies do not employ these girls from as young as 14, they independently contract them; a loophole under the status quo. When children are employed, like in most other industries, certain standards are necessitated by state law. In New South Wales, any employer who wants to work with children must be authorised by the NSW Children’s Guardian to do so. All authorised employers’ names are published on their website weekly. There are no modelling agencies on the list.
TV: Broad City
This a note for any Australians – the last season (season five) of Broad City has just been added to Stan!
I’ll miss this show so much.
SUPPORTING
Re-sharing this video about the impact smaller countries can have on climate change from The Weekly.
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