Recommendations newsletter #8: Adult friendship, women’s health myths, Unbelievable and Snowball
READING
Article: The quest for new friendships in the dregs of adulthood (Shondaland)
What is it: A piece by author Roshani Chokshi about her quest to make new friends as an adult.
Thoughts: There have been times in the past week where I’ve tried to converse with new people or acquaintances, only to leave feeling totally rejected. This article really encapsulated those feelings for me, while also ending on a very sweet, hopeful note.
Edited excerpt:
On one occasion, an acquaintance emailed asking for career advice and a meeting over drinks. I advised as best as I could, and then eagerly refreshed my inbox, waiting for the aforementioned drink details. I never got them. Then there was the time I tried reaching out to an industry acquaintance only to get a “read” receipt that, 20 days later, remained unanswered. At one point, a super friendly and funny girl struck up a conversation with me and my husband at the bar and, of course, thoughts of wine and cheese tasting adventures ran through my head — until she politely excused herself after my husband introduced me as his wife. The worst was when a friendly neighbor overshared some of her recent struggles. I overstepped with my advice and attempted to rush to the rescue only to receive a very polite (and appropriate boundary setting) text response: “This is really my fault, sry. We’re not even close enough for me to be sharing like this with you. Lol.”
…In every interaction with new potential friends, I obsessed over whether my eagerness for connection shone on my face like a smattering of furious acne. I panicked over whether I shouldn’t have admitted that I’m a huge Dramione shipper apropos of nothing because I thought they said “Harry Potter” instead of “Pottery Barn.” I wondered anxiously if I talked too much, too little; if I asked too many or too few questions about their life, Hogwarts House, thoughts on the demoted Pluto.
…At one gathering of my husband’s residents, I stood there clutching a cider I really didn’t want to drink. The girl next to me laughed and said, “I asked if they had a rosé and the bartender just glared at me.” And then we drank our awful ciders, talked about the city skyline, and somehow ended up discussing movies and our mutual middle school heartbreak at discovering Legolas’s blonde hair was just a wig.
…Since then, the things my husband and I gathered for our home are reached for often and with joy. We’ve used the marble wine chiller that’s dangerously heavy and really shouldn’t be handled whilst drinking. I made one of my closest friends dinner and dragged out a stool so I could reach the fancy, light-as-air Reidel glasses that used to give me anxiety just looking at them. I taught myself how to make cocktails and fretted when I couldn’t get the two metal cups unstuck while my friend laughed and laughed. I sat with the uncomfortableness of not knowing if a joke I made was funny or if I talked too much about myself. Little by little, I shared more. And when I shared, I didn’t feel depleted, because I was no less a full person with or without someone liking me back.
Article: The eight-step road map to murder that might save women's lives (The Sydney Morning Herald)
What is it: An article about new research into domestic violence conducted by Dr Jane Monckton Smith, a forensic criminologist at the University of Gloucestershire. For the past three years, Monckton Smith has been researching specific cases of murders committed by an intimate male partner looking for some kind of behavioural pattern.
This article outlines the eight steps Monckton Smith has identified that almost always occur in men who murder their partners, as published in the academic journal Violence Against Women.
Thoughts: This is an article every woman should read. The comments on Facebook alone show how closely this research reflects the experiences of women who have fled domestic violence situation.
The steps are as follows:
1. The perpetrator had a history of stalking or abuse in previous relationships. (That holds true except for those in the dataset in first-time relationships.)
2. The relationship develops very quickly. He is looking for commitment and that really means, in his eyes, forever. God forbid you should want forever to end.
3. He starts to exert controlling behaviours. Where are you? What are you doing? Who did you speak to today? Who are those text messages from?
4. An event or discussion challenges his control. The woman may decide she wants to end the relationship or he experiences personal difficulties such as losing his job, causing an abrupt change in his circumstances.
5. Escalation – he tries to reassert control by increasing the intensity or frequency of contact, stalking, or threatening suicide. It’s about getting "his woman" back and diminishing any challenge to his status.
6. By now, the relationship is dangerous. If the woman is lucky, he leaves and she will then be his most recent "psycho" girlfriend. Or he might attempt to exact revenge. In the worst case, he starts considering murder as an option.
7. Planning homicide – buying weapons, making opportunities to get the victim on her own.
8. Homicide – which may not be limited to the woman but also her children.
Article: Jennifer Gunter: ‘Women are being told lies about their bodies’ (The Guardian)
What is it: A profile on renowned Canadian gynaecologist, Dr Jennifer Gunter. Dr Gunter is well known for debunking myths around women’s healthcare, many of which have been perpetuated by Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company, Goop. Dr Gunter has just released book all about this subject titled The Vagina Bible.
Thoughts: In interviews around her acting work, I actually find Gwyneth Paltrow to be rather charming. I cannot help laughing along as she endearingly forgets major movies she’s been in and does other meme-able things. That being said, I am very aware that Goop promotes many out of touch and downright dangerous practices. Dr Gunter has become a kind of watchdog for non-evidence based wellness practices, such as those endorsed by Goop, and she instead educates women based on her many years of medical experience and training.
In this piece, Dr Gunter debunks many commonly cited women’s health treatments and claims such as those below:
Edited article excerpt:
Myth one: Birth-control pills cause weight gain
This has been well studied, and the answer is no. This is not disbelieving women; this is the exact opposite. This is taking what women report about weight gain and studying it. This data really reflects doctors listening to women. Several studies have shown no link between birth-control pills and weight gain. The life situation associated with starting new contraception may be associated with weight gain, but the pill is not.Myth two: Hormonal contraception causes ‘infertility’
Nope, but the patriarchy trying to scare you away from controlling reproductive health is invested in this myth. Sadly, many ‘natural’ health proponents capitalise on this fear as well. With the injection, there can be a delay of several months of return to fertility, but by one year all women are back to baseline. With all other methods of contraception, once stopped or removed, you are good to go pregnancy-wise the next month.Myth three: Steaming the vagina
This is promoted to ‘cleanse’ the uterus. This ties into a destructive myth that the uterus is unclean or that a period is cleaning the uterus. The idea of a toxin-filled uterus is literally used by many cultures to exclude women from society – it’s a defining characteristic of the patriarchy. So telling women this exists is promoting a patriarchal idea.
Article: Why you need to make a 'when I die' file – before it's too late (Time)
What is it: This article, which is adapted from A Beginner’s Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death, advocates for having a ‘when I die’ file. This folder should contain estate documents and other important items to help save your loved one’s time, money and suffering upon your passing.
Thoughts: When my grandma died last year, I was in charge of her managing affairs. She had been living in a nursing home and most of her items were already in storage so this was relatively simple process, but I kept thinking how logistically and emotionally hard this must process must typically be.
As the article says, shutting down someone’s life after their death (including making funeral arrangements, sorting through/selling their items, and closing their personal accounts) can sometimes take a year or more. It might seem grim, but we’re all going to die one day, so it makes sense to be prepared.
Article: Depression, anxiety more common than coughs, colds in GP waiting rooms (The Sydney Morning Herald)
What is it: A news article about how depression, anxiety and mood disorders have replaced coughs, colds and earaches as the most common reasons for visiting a GP in Australia.
Thoughts: I get a little bit frustrated with initiatives like R U OK? Day that promote ‘asking for help’, because research shows people are asking for mental health support, they’re just not receiving it. The fact that mental health problems have replaced physical conditions as the most common ailments seen by GPs indicates that it’s the lack of treatment options, not a lack of awareness, that’s actually underpinning mental health problems in this country.
Furthermore, this article highlights how the Medicare model preferences shorter consultations for more straightforward health conditions and undervalues longer consultations needed for complex issues such as psychological problems. Rebates for mental illness consults are also lower than those for physical illness.
WATCHING
TV: Unbelievable (Netflix)
This eight-episode series details the true story of Marie Adler, a woman who was raped but not believed, and the female detectives who investigated a serial rapist in the area.
This is the fourth time this story has been told in the media. It was first a Pulitzer Prize-winning article, which later became a book, and the subject of an episode of This American Life that Marie was interviewed in.
It’s hard to talk about this show without giving away spoilers, but the plot isn’t really the point. Even knowing the full story of Marie’s case going in, you’ll be completely gripped by the outstanding storytelling and acting. It’s a show that will make you feel angry, inspired and devastated at the same time.
Unbelievable essentially shows how rape cases are typically poorly handled, and includes real statistics on the people who investigate them. For example, at least 40 per cent of police officer families experience domestic violence (in contrast to 10 per cent of families in the general population).
I was a ball of anxiety after watching the entire eight hours of this show in one day, but that didn’t stop me watching it again almost immediately. I cannot recommend it enough.
LISTENING
Podcast season: Unravel True Crime Season Four: Snowball
I was instantly hooked by the latest season of Unravel True Crime. As the title suggests, it’s a true crime story, but there’s no gory details, kidnapping, rape or murder, just a good old fashioned scam.
The seven episodes are told by content director at Triple J, Ollie Wards, on behalf of his brother Greg who married and later separated from a con artist named Lezlie Manukian. The podcast follows Ollie 10 years later after Greg’s marriage as he tries to piece together who Lezlie really is.
Episode six is the real standout of the season, where Ollie manages to track down Lezlie in a carpark and record a riveting conversation with her. I was so impressed by Ollie’s ability to keep Lezlie talking, while asking her some hard questions, and being transparent about what he was working on.
Podcast episode: Hi It's Us Your 30 Long-Lost Siblings by The Cut on Tuesdays
This week’s episode of The Cut on Tuesdays focuses on people who were conceived via sperm donor and have learned they have several half siblings – an increasingly common occurrence due to the recent rise of home DNA tests. One person featured in this episode has 32 known donor siblings and counting. Others are members of Facebook groups specifically set up for parents whose children share the same donor.
I’m all for sperm donation, although this episode does raise some important questions around donation limits. There are two primary reasons for establishing strict limits: to reduce the risk of people who are genetically related forming relationships; and the social and psychological implications of having a large number of donor-conceived siblings across a number of families.
Based on my limited understanding of this topic, this is a bigger problem in the U.S. where it’s legal to pay donors for their sperm and donation limits are merely recommendations. In Australia, it's illegal to take payment for any human tissue including sperm, and three states have specific laws limiting the number of same-person donations.
SUPPORTING
· Eliminating kissing on the cheek in professional environments (or, if you ask me, altogether)
· Watching this Rickey Thompson video on repeat
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